i am  a simple person—born into poverty in the culturally-rich tribe of michiana, raised by a pack of terriers in a manner best described as ‘tough-but-fair’. my life is all about the big picture and a better pizza. my story traverses the rise of incompetism and the fall of high moral character [and the triumph of the VHS format over Beta]. my story is my story and that’s the story i'm going to go with.

[implied theme]

LIFE CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION !

[brief pause: orchestra adjusts itself: no applause: global fidgeting]